Can You Make Someone Fall in Love With You?

The surprising answer: You have more power than you think.

"Enough about what I think of me. What do you think of me?"

The key factor to closeness is sustained and shared self-disclosure, honesty, and vulnerability. Sharing the same opinion on politics and "big ideas" may matter a lot later, but when it comes to simply “hitting it off,” it doesn't.

Here's why this works: We don’t often share our vulnerabilities, let alone with people we’re only getting to know, so the unexpected experience of doing so can trigger dopamine and its attendant motivation and promising feelings. That makes a conversation more enticing, and that in turn encourages attachment. When we secure the social reward of connection, we tend to seek further interaction. Having such a goal triggers the release of dopamine, which motivates more of the behavior that got you there in the first place.

Don't go rushing in with a bunch of confessions. Instead, purposefully reveal yourself in meaningful ways. At the same time, ask questions to learn about the other person--they need to be willing to do this with you. (In the book, I direct you to a list of questions used in a study that led to spectacular results in these situations. You don't have to be sneaky about it, either. You can even say, "I want to ask you..." and go from there.)

Don’t make it weird. Just start the conversation with light things, then steer it toward matters that are deeper. Take your time. This way of nurturing a connection with someone works better than you may have imagined.

--From "Chapter 7: Finding the Right Person," Taming the Molecule of More